From Yestarday

The free iPersonic Personality Test

Sun, 31 May 2009 14:36:40 GMT

Trying out a new style

Fri, 08 May 2009 14:14:31 GMT

Okay the last days i watched a lot of tutorials about drawing in a rather realistic style. and i decided on taking some elements into my own drawing style. so yeah... here are the first few attempts of combining them.

Some random bishie

and here some scribbles of my character Devan.

I'M GONNA DYE MY HAIR RED SUCKERS

Sun, 26 Apr 2009 07:39:02 GMT

yeah. and i plan on going to a tattoo-studio next week. i want to get a tattoo right after the vacation in Tunisia.
FUCK YEAH. CURSED SEAL I COME AND GET YOU!

SO MUCH FAIL 8(

Tue, 21 Apr 2009 08:43:27 GMT

I shouldn't sit here on LJ and write Journals... BUT DAMN I'M SO FRUSTRATED
There are still so many pics i promised i'd draw... and ALL OF THESE SUCKERS are like 'HURHUR WE HATE YOU CUZ U'RE A L0SER' Okay... its partially my fault. I told ppl to prompt me whatever they wanted. lol i should've seen that there will be threesomes and more. So yeah... i'll try it anyway. But before that i have to finish an arttrade which is like... 2 months old.

Guess what? it hates me as well.
GRAAAAH SUCKER.
But i keep on failing so hardcore it isn't even funny anymore :(

So this is the first try on the OC i have to draw for the arttrade. I never though it could be THAT hard to draw a japanese POP-Singer. URGH. ITS TO MUCH FAILURE IN JUST ONE PIC </div>

So... ans this is my second try i started yesterday. Its better than the first one... but still. There is something bothering me HARDCORE, but i can't grasp how to change it to be right. DUH

Okay besides that i did the past months some scribbles, i'll post them here since i wouldn't post them somewhere else anyway. The first one is Pika Chrystacks character and the second one is my Dhae

.

HOW ABOUT SOME JOURNAL BETCHES? :B

Mon, 20 Apr 2009 10:38:11 GMT

So i thought i should make another journal. its rather empty here after all. I have to admit.. other sites keep me kind of distracted from here. I'll list them here, since most of the ppl ignore my Journal anyway it's okay to put some links up for myself *snickers*

Lets see.. the Page taking most of my Time should be Eranya. Its a German(!) LOTGD (Lord of the Green Dragon) site, its a browser game. I roleplay there mostof the time. its fun. so if you're german you should definitely try it out! at least if you like rp. if not it isn't that good of a choice i guess :) My Characters are 'Devan' , 'Cifer' and 'Phintia'

Besides Eranya there is Y!Gallery. Like you can guess by the name its a Yaoi-Community for Writers & Artists. I really like hanging out there. The people are really nice mostly. Besides that, there are lots of Submissions with Buttsmecks and hot 'n steamy guys. *snickers*

Then there is Aramii. It's still in Beta but a really great Pet-Site. You can adventure with your ami, taking quests and breed them. There aren't any games like on "Neopets", "Subeta" and such but they are way more pretty to look at. and its really interesting to breed your own amis with new markings and colors. My name there is 'vege'.

Last but not least is Kwick a german(!) site for chatting and such. I have to admit i just hang out there, cuz some ppl i like are registred and i want to hold contact. So i'm online there daily talking with several ppl in the evening. If you're german and we know each other, you can ask for my name there. i won't post it here in my journal though.

mh.. thats it for today.
tomorrow i'll post something different i think :D

WTF

Tue, 10 Mar 2009 09:33:36 GMT

LOL i thought i should update my Journal. The last entries are all emo and shit :B

uhm... i've got nothing to say though.
oh well....

WHITE CHOCOLATE FOR THE WIN
AND BUTTSMECKS IS HAWT
EXSPECIALLY IF ITS SASUNARUSASU

AND ITS EVEN MORE WIN IF ITS SASUNARUSASU WITH WHITE CHOCOLATE ON TOP

Still all emo :|

Mon, 02 Jun 2008 13:47:13 GMT

Hey there again.
Its kind of funny... al the years i was able to be all happy despite feeling mostly like shit. and now i... just can't get out of my depression at all. sure irl noone notices that i'm down. i guess thats good. it wouldn't help at all to tak with my mum or with my sis about my problems anyway. in the end i'll feel all the same, but my mom will get upset.

Last week we got some visitors. and yeah.. as my mom started to show them some of my canvas i nearly started crying instantly. i didn't tell her that i stopped drawing... i kinda... just don't dare to tell her. she was always proud of my drawings and she encouraged me...

Yeah, when i'm already talking about drawing... i can't stop thinking of it anymore. i even dream about drawing pics. it nearly hurts physically. it doesn't matter what i'm doing all the time i get ideas of which pics i would like to draw ad which styles i wish i could learn...

Since i feel so down the last weeks i reakt all moody towards others. i either have to fight tears back at things which aren't -that- sad or i start lashing out at others. screaming and throwing insults at everyone around me. on other days i'm barely able to get out of bed, irrespective of the fact that i'm not really able to enjoy anything at all.

sure there are things which make fun. but its only for a short while i'm able to get on other thoughts, but it doesn't really help either.
and my problem.. with hurting myself got worse as well. (no i would never cut myself - i hate all this 'emo-kids' and this shit). its hard to describe why i'm drifting so much back into this behavior again. its just.. i feel these days even more restless as i did the past few months. it feels like there is some kind of strain inside of myself... it feels like my skin is to tight, like all the pressure would just gush out if i'd cut my skin.
it sometimes really scares me if i'm eating something and only looking at the fork makes me think of several ways to break my skin with it. i my head i can see how the blood is running over my skin. and i'm graving for it... i these moments i want to do it. but i won't do it. i don't want my mum or my family to notice my problem. i don't want them to worry about me. besides that i know that its stupid to do such kind of things... but its still scary, when all of a sudden the urge washes over you to do something that stupid.

i kind of knew that i compensated some parts of it with drawings. i used drawing a lot for getting my head free and to think of other things. but i would've never thought that it makes this much of a difference.

i'm glad that I'll get back into the hospital this month. i really hope that they are able to help me. i don't want to continue like this. i've got enough problems and i don't need that in addition.

Surely some people will tell me that i should went back t drawing, but slow down everything. not drawing as much as before... but it isn't as easy as said. there are only two options for me: everything or nothing. i can't draw a pic in parts over a week. if i take a pencil in my hand i need to finish the pic. if i start a pic on my computer i have to finish what i started. sure i could take a short pause after outlining everything... but ill still sit more than 5 hours in a row on drawing...

and besides that. i deserve it.
here i germany is a phrase which says something like; everyone gets what they deserve.

Glad

Fri, 16 May 2008 08:42:57 GMT

I would've never thought that... but i'm actually really glad that i never made some 'advertising' of my lj here.
it makes me really feel better to write some things down so i'm able to sort things in my head.. and yeah think them over. and since there aren't much people reading my ntries anyway, it's easier.

I'm sleeping over at a friends appartment at the moment. i really like her- i met her at my hospital-stay and we've got really good along. well.. i kinda hoped i could forget all my problems, when i'm here. though i was wrong. after all she's to work over the day and we got only the evenings to share. not that i'm whining. its nice and there are definetly enough things to do for me here.. so that i shouldn't get bored. shouldn't. though i'm.. somehow not able to get my thhoughts off. when i'm alone here they won't let me go.
yesterday night i couldn't fall asleep for a long time. my thoughts just didn't want to stop running in circles. i dunno... i feel so damn helpless right now, everything is getting to much for me. i've got the feeling i screwed everything up. even my friendship towards my best friend, which i love like a sister.
the past years i was lying to everyone i knew. not about trivial things. it was just.... i acted tough, i acted like nothing would pull me down. that everything is fine and i'm happy. i even covered up all my problems, letting the people around me think i'm just to lazy to do some things. now that i'm thinlking about it i feel so damn bad about it. i mean... a best friend is there so you'll listen to his/her problems... and she'll listen to yours.
but.. i never helped my friend out somewhere. when she got problems with her boyfriend she'd talk to her other friends, she's seeing more than me. but... she's there for me all the time. yeah sure i never came with my most personal problems to her, but as my grandpa died she was there for me.. as my parents separated she was there for me. and as i felt like shit because we had to move into another part of the country she was there for me as well. i just don't deserve her as my best friend. i've never done anything for our friendship. sure i've got some problems which made it hard for me.. but i didn't even dare to tell her my problems. because i was scared like hell that she won't believe me. or that she'll believe me and feel bad then... i don't want to get her down with me when i feel bad.
but... aren't i violating our friendship when i'm not even able to give her all of my trust? i feel like the worst friend ever. i don't even deserve to be called 'best friend' at all.

Another thing getting me down at the moment is my right wrist. i'm still not able to move it correctly without pain... sure my doc told me everything is fine.. but i got the feeling i'm not doing enough for it. iall the time there is a voice inside my head telling me that i'm screwing everything up.. that my hand won't get better anymore.. that it'll stay like that... that i screwed up everything. i really want to move my wrist more... but its painful... yeah sure normally i'm not that whiny about a little bit of pain... but it hurts to much. its to hard for me to move my hand.. its to much to massage the scars which hurt like a bitch. so i feel even more like shit.

sure i'm able to draw with mouse and pen again.. but its still hurting... and... i don't know. even though i'm able to draw again... i still cry like mad at the thought that my wrist could stay like that, that it won't get any better from now on. yeah sure.. everyone around me is telling me that'll turn out allright... but the voice inside my head is still telling me all the time that everything is my fault. that it won't heal correctly because i screw everything up. that i'm a whimp and to stupid to get anything right at all.

and as the docs told me that the tumor and the two ganglion' (and all the inflammations) were caused because my wrists are/were to weak... i felt like they's slapped me right into the face. they told me i shouldn't stress my wrists to much, which means the same as 'you shouldn't draw anymore if you don't want your wrists to get worse'.

then.. the last days as i drew a few scribbles with my pen... i dunno. i started doubting myself. if its really worth it to fuck my wrists up..just for drawing? sure drawing is everything for me. it was the only thing in my life which let me feel like i'm able to get better with time. that there is something i'm good with. but looking at all of my pics... sure i made some progress if you look at my old ones and the newest. but the last months nothing really changed at all (at least besides the coloring style). the poses are still as stiffly as last year.. the heads are to big, necks to fat and the shoulders to wide. i've got the feeling that i reached my limits, that i'm not able to get better anymore. and now i feel like putting everything into a trashcan and burning it.

my head is telling me loudly that it isn't worth it screwing my wrists up in the future, so that there'll be a time i won't be able to move them anymore.. just for pics which don't get any better at all. but this thought... makes me feel all empty. drawing was... and still is everything for me. one of the few things i really love to do. i'm... i dunno... i just don't know how to continue this. i don't know what to do anymore. i'm distressed... i eel so damn helpless even though everything is in my hands. everything is the outcome of what i did wrong in the past, so i should be able to change it. but.. i don't know how. its like standing in a plane with a parachute, your goal is somewhere down there... but you don't know what you have to do if you jump. what cord to pull and when.

well.. there is even more i could write down.. though its to difficult for me right now. i'm already crying the whole time while typing. and yeah. i don't want to cry like a baby. so.. i'll post this journal.. and then see that i get myself distracted.

see ya, vege

Still alive & Some whining

Wed, 30 Apr 2008 10:24:44 GMT

Yeah, i'm still alive.
On the 16th i had a surgery. It went well, so now i just have to wait till its healed up completly and do then some physiotherapy and it'll be fine. Hopefully. Geez, even though i try convince myself that the chances are low that it won't heal correctly (like my left hand after another surgery) i'm still a doomsayer. I'm scared like hell, that i won't be able to use my Hand like before in the end. So i'm trying to move my fingers as much as posible, since i'm panicing at the thought that it won't heal correctly if i don't move them enough for the senews.

Some Pics of my Hand. Its still swollen, the scars look kinda cool though ;P

So yesterday

my doc finally allowed me to take the splint of here and there. Yeah.. and like the stupid Idiot i am, i ignored his advice, to spare my hand and run of to the next oekakiboard to draw something. Mh drawing is everything for me... so yeah, i was burning to draw finally something again. Its rather important for me to draw. It compensates my thoughts and feelings and i'm able to relax a little bit.
Though since i'm dumb like that... it wasn't enough to draw a little bit. NO it had to be a big Picture. And of course nothing easy. So i drew over 5HOURS on that sucka of Oekaki. Then i had to take a break forcefully. It hurts now like a bitch and i'm not able to do anything without painkillers. i'm so screwed. lol

Here is the sucka DX Devan(left) Dhae (right)

Well, i still kinda like it. Though i doubt that i'll ever upload it anywhere. Dunno, most of the times i just don't feel like sharing my two favourite OCs. I created them for myself anyway. Though maybe in the future i'll write their story down. Who knows.

Besides that i'm kinda uncomfortable right now. I've got a meeting with someone of the management of a association in a lil' cafe. I couldn't sleep the whole night because of that. Hell i really hope that everything wents well and i don't screw up to much.

Meme (stolen from loudloud) :P

Sun, 13 Apr 2008 10:36:37 GMT

1. Go to www.flickr.com
2. Type in your answer to the question in the "search" box
3. Use only the first page
4. Copy the html and paste for the answer.

1. What is your first name?
2. What is your favorite food?
3. What school did you go to?
4. What is your favorite color?
5. Who is your celebrity crush?
6. Who is your favorite Disney Princess?
7. Favorite drink?
8. Dream vacation?
9. Favorite Dessert?
10. What do you want to be when you grow up?
11. What do you love most in life?
12. One word to describe you?
13. What do you dream about?
__________________________________

1. What is your first name?

2. What is your favorite food?

3. What school did you go to?

4. What is your favorite color?

5. Who is your celebrity crush?

6. Who is your favorite Disney Princess?

7. Favorite drink?

8. Dream vacation?

9. Favorite Dessert?

10. What do you want to be when you grow up?

11. What do you love most in life?

12. One word to describe you?

13. What do you dream about?

Money hates me :(

Fri, 11 Apr 2008 11:48:24 GMT

I got finally an appointed day for my surgery (splitting of a sinew). i don't want to go there... its such a long time afterwards, where i won't be able to draw... T_T *wailes*

besides that i'm thinking about opening commissions (after my hand healed though). i'm in the need of money, so yeah... who knows, maybe there really are people out there, which would pay for pics i've drawn LOL
ahaha i wonder if i'm able to get the money together before the prices for tattoos start to hike again... *peers at the piercing-studios*

since i'm thinking of getting sasukes cursed seal, i'm still chewing over the design. i'm not sure if i should take the seal only.. or with the seal of kakashi around it.. mhh... *scratches her chin* without it it would be smaller... though...
what do you think which one looks better? D=

Some News (Yeah im still alive)

Sat, 29 Mar 2008 20:30:52 GMT

Wow... my last post was like... 4months ago *stares*
oh my... i don't know where i should start now...

Uhm.. i'm in a hospital since 01/30/08 and its rather busy there. i've got a hella lot of things to do there. its rather exhausting, most of the time i run around with headache. but the people there are really nice (though there are a few i don't like at all). i didn't make much progress in therapy... so i need to go to hospital a second time in a few months. heh... i don't really want to break my head over *that* now. i'm glad that i'm able to go back home at the 10th april =)

even though some parts of my therapy didn't work out very well, i'm still glad that i had to go there. over all the weeks i slowly started to change some things i wanted to change since... years now. i never was a person which really dared to do something 'abnormal', i never dared to dress in some outfits i already have in my wardrobe...
now, after getting coaxed to use a hair strightener und letting someone pluck my eyebrows (somehow i'm just to dumb for doing it completly alone. it looks mostly horrbile lol) i feel kinda different. since everyone is accepting me its much more easier to experiment with outfits. yeah.. and on thursday i finally dared to go to a piercing studio, and got an piercing on my eyebrow. i ever wanted to get one... but every time i just chickened out. i'm like.. uber-happy that i finally did it =D

ahaha... my whole family was shocked as they heard(and some saw) from it today. lol noone would've even imagined that i could do something like that. shit. i'm still all slaphappy. i could like... run around in circles all the time lol.

---------------------------------

Geez, even tough i'll get back home in two weeks from hospital i've got to go to a lot of medics. mostly it isn't anything serious.
though it seems as if i won't able to draw something serious the next months at all... atm my hand hurts like hell and soon there is a surgury. and yeah.. since its on my right hand... there isn't a way for me to draw till its healed completly. BLAH.

---------------------------------

I was planning on going to the 'Hanami' in Germany. In a Naruto Anbu cosplay. though it seems i won't be able to go there at all. its so damn expensive to travel through the whole country for a weekend. besides that i'm sure i wouldn't be able to finish the cosplay till then anyway.

so yeah... i'm planning on other things now instead. like... what i want to cosplay in december at 'yukicon'. atm i'm thinking about punk!naruto. heh, that would be cool. as soon as i'm able to draw properly again, i'll start to design a kyuubi-shirt (and a cap). well i guess i need to buy the pants. the most of my pants don't look like some which guys would wear lol

if i really manage to get the cosplay together (i found a awesome naruto-wig on ebay as well) i'll go in this outfit definetly.
or who knows.. maybe i'll make an hiphop!naruto instead of a punk one.... mhh... *scratches chin*

---------------------------------

well besides that i'm planning for this (or next year) to put some money aside, so i would be able to get an tattoo as well. yeah, call me freaki if you like it. but i want sasukes cursed seal on the juncture between neck and shoulder. lol yeah i know it'll hurt like hell.. but... i love the design. besides that it'll still look nice even if it happens that i don't like naruto anymore in the future~

see ya in two weeks :)

Fanfics =)

Fri, 14 Dec 2007 21:53:43 GMT

Ahaha.. well i thought i should write all the fics down i'm reading or which i liked to read some time ago.. since i'm always searching for fics i started to read and afterwards forgot their names... *cough*

One Shots
Team Seven by FastForward
Choosing Who by gelfling8604
Corrupted by ElfieRae

Finished Ones
The Sound of Dreams by Zrina
Lost in Translation by Rasengan22 ♥ ♥ ♥
No such thing as heroes by Rasengan22
Talk to me by Rasengan22 ♥ ♥ ♥
The Nerd by animehead
Naruto by FastForward
Broken by arora (lol i really loved the story.. at least till the one to last chapter. lol the last one.. isn't really my type of.. er.. storythingy)

Ongoing Ones i'm reading atm
Kiss Me Deadly by Aweshum
What Would Jesus Do by heythatsmybike
In Your Eyes by Nao_Angel
Perks by animehead
Team Dynamics by animeaddict666
Dusk Till Dawn by tsukiyue

Blah :3

Thu, 13 Dec 2007 17:42:26 GMT

I'm finally back online :)
Well.. i should normally continues to draw on my promised pics... and well... start to answer all my comments on y-gal.. and write some by myself -sigh- but well.. smehow i just can't get my sorry ass to do that right now. well.. funny.. all the time i missed just *that* and well.. writing rpgs. but now i just don't feel like it anymore.

i just feel tired and... well.. somehow empty. i guess its just because of the situation i'm in at the moment. there are a lot ... well 'problems'. the most of them are caused by my dad which is starting to do shit now, that we moved away from him and my hometown. besides that i just don't feel good at all. i guess its caused by my .. illness that i've got a lot of break downs the last weeks.
okay.. i have to say the break downs on themself aren't that bad.. till now i managed to go to the bathroom and lock myself in as soon as i started to lose control again. i'm really glad that i only get them n the nights, so that my sis and my mother don't notice it.
so yeah.. the only thing which really bothers me about them.. is that i feel tired all the time... and the headache xP but i gues, i'll survive that as well. there are much worse things which could happen to someone :)

so yeah.. i'm sory for all the people i make to wait, just because i'm to lazy and to tired to work on anything at all...

mh.. well i guess thats enough for this entry.. but i'll write another one the following hours/days

# well i doubt that someone even does read this entry.. but just in case, someone does:
ahaha.. thx for reading, and hell, i'm not 'sad' i don' need people which tell me that they feel with me or such things. it isn't that big, and there are a lot of people out there which got it a lot worse and get depressed and all that shit.

Blah...

Wed, 14 Nov 2007 13:18:46 GMT

geez.. i'm stupid. lol.. i'm bored like hell... but i just don't feel like answering my e-mails, or writing comments on y-gal. iiek. i don't even want to think about all the comments ishould write there... since i waited far to long... i need to write atm 34 ..... 34 GAH.. . so damn troublesome D=.. . so yeah.. now i'm here and write a stupid journal so that i don't have to think about answering them 'cause i'm so bored.

lol besides that i wanted to tell that i'm moving at the 17.th... so i don't know when i'll be able to get back into the net after that... ... i dun wanna DX

Ahahaha.. i'm bored...

Mon, 12 Nov 2007 00:13:08 GMT

well, actually every night i'm bored like hell. since i'm awake rather long (since i can't sleep well) there isn't much for me to do.. so i'm searching for fanfictions! :) i'm rather picky if its about reading fics, since i don't like every writing style.. and not every kind of .. well storyline. but i would be really happy if there were some nice fanfic suggestions for naruto fanfics. i prefer the pairing sasu/naru (aka both as seme... i don't like narusasu or sasunaru that much alone. since i can't see one of them as typical 'bottom'). uh and fics where they kick each others ass the whole time are rather amusing.. and not too ooc ... ugh.. er.. i guess thats all.
uh it would get some plus-points if its a fic containing kyuubinaru/csasu *ish a sucker for their beastforms ~~and fightsex~~*

mh.. if i'm already asking for fanfics.. i'm asking for german ones as well. though the german ones don't need yaoi/s-ai (but please.. no sasusaku/sasuhina/narusaku/naruhina urgh .. but one without romance. a pure friendship fic would be ok) that much, as long as there are many fight szenes. and yeah it needs a good writing style :)

uh.. since i'm not writing that much here.. i think i should put some of my wips of my (still rather ugly) pics here.. to show on what i'm working atm :)

my next pic... i love blood, but i just can't draw it properly. uh yeah.. i'll change the background these days...

lol i have to admit this one is older than the other one.. but i got lazy and just didn't want to outline any more hands at all D= i hate hands. and they hate me as well D=

Lurking

Sat, 18 Aug 2007 13:44:59 GMT

maybe i'll post here sometimes a short entry, but for the biggest part i'm only here on lj for stalking some nice ff-autors ;)

uh if someone likes my avatars.. feel free to take them, though don't forget to credit me. yeah. thats all xP